Wednesday, October 3, 2007
if you ever get pulled over for speeding...
A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:Officer: May I see your driver's license?Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.Officer: The car is stolen?Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?Driver: Yes, mate.Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?Driver: Sure. Here it is.It was valid.Captain: Who's car is this?Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.Driver: No problem.Boot is opened; no body.Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, as well.
Monday, October 1, 2007
SCIENCE CLASS
Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down.Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the Question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated??Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY VERY disappointed!
Saturday, September 29, 2007
joke of the day
The best 'dear john' letter ever
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
new joke
Mindless Facts
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All Polar bears are left-handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Starfish haven't got brains.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All Polar bears are left-handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Starfish haven't got brains.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.
new joke
Need a push?
A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat- a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.He opens the door and there is man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk."Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??""No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Rememberthat night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??""But the guy was drunk." says the husband."It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help, the right thing to do would be to help him."So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat- a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.He opens the door and there is man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk."Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??""No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Rememberthat night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??""But the guy was drunk." says the husband."It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help, the right thing to do would be to help him."So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
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