Wednesday, October 3, 2007
if you ever get pulled over for speeding...
A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:Officer: May I see your driver's license?Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.Officer: The car is stolen?Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?Driver: Yes, mate.Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?Driver: Sure. Here it is.It was valid.Captain: Who's car is this?Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.Driver: No problem.Boot is opened; no body.Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, as well.
Monday, October 1, 2007
SCIENCE CLASS
Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down.Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the Question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated??Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY VERY disappointed!
Saturday, September 29, 2007
joke of the day
The best 'dear john' letter ever
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
new joke
Mindless Facts
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All Polar bears are left-handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Starfish haven't got brains.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All Polar bears are left-handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Starfish haven't got brains.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.
new joke
Need a push?
A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat- a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.He opens the door and there is man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk."Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??""No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Rememberthat night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??""But the guy was drunk." says the husband."It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help, the right thing to do would be to help him."So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat- a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.He opens the door and there is man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk."Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??""No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Rememberthat night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??""But the guy was drunk." says the husband."It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help, the right thing to do would be to help him."So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
New joke
A night in Toronto
The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom."This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto."Well, the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation."Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night."Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies bag - ***splat *** and down she goes.The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first."
The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom."This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto."Well, the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation."Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night."Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies bag - ***splat *** and down she goes.The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first."
New Joke
Sign Language
Sign over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blow-out."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Let us pick your nose."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry.
Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At the entrance to a sperm bank: "The customer always comes first"
At the exit of the same bank: "Thank you for coming, please come again
Sign over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blow-out."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Let us pick your nose."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry.
Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At the entrance to a sperm bank: "The customer always comes first"
At the exit of the same bank: "Thank you for coming, please come again
Sunday, August 5, 2007
new joke
How're you feeling?
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Friday, August 3, 2007
new joke
Have a seat
A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section -- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl. So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there.
The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died."
"Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?"
The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section -- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl. So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there.
The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died."
"Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?"
The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
new joke
Good Advice From Kids
"Never trust a dog to watch your food."-- Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?'Don't answer."-- Hannah, age 9
Never tell your Mom her diet's not working."-- Michael, age 14
"Stay away from prunes."-- Randy, age 9
"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to."-- Emily, age 10
"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."-- Taylia, age 11
"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment."-- Traci, age 14
"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac."-- Andrew, age 9
"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time."-- Kyoyo, age 11
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."-- Amir, age 9
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."-- Kellie, age 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."-- Naomi, age 15
"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick."-- Lauren, age 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."-- Joel, age 10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone."-- Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat."-- Eileen, age 8
"Never trust a dog to watch your food."-- Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?'Don't answer."-- Hannah, age 9
Never tell your Mom her diet's not working."-- Michael, age 14
"Stay away from prunes."-- Randy, age 9
"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to."-- Emily, age 10
"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."-- Taylia, age 11
"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment."-- Traci, age 14
"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac."-- Andrew, age 9
"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time."-- Kyoyo, age 11
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."-- Amir, age 9
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."-- Kellie, age 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."-- Naomi, age 15
"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick."-- Lauren, age 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."-- Joel, age 10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone."-- Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat."-- Eileen, age 8
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
new joke
Einstein's chauffeur
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker'scircuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get backto his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yetanother rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of making speeches."I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard yougive this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker'scircuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get backto his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yetanother rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of making speeches."I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard yougive this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
new joke
Symbols
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old. The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting, after months of conferences, to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said: “This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem.
"You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food.
"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
But, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, “Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old. The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting, after months of conferences, to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said: “This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem.
"You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food.
"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
But, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, “Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!
Sunday, July 29, 2007
new joke
Excuses, excuses
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
new jokes
Let's do lunch
Two businessmen were talking about good places to have lunch.
One said, "Maxie's is a wonderful place for lunch. You go in for lunch and everyone says 'hello', immediately a delicious sandwich and a cold beer are set up on the bar for you.
That's followed by several more cold beers and it's all 'on the house'. They have music and you get to dance a bit and then you go into a back room and have wonderful sex. When it's time for you to leave, the bartender gives you a twenty dollar bill and invites you to come back anytime."
The other man says, "You've got to be kidding. I find that really hard to believe. Do you go there often?"
"No," his friend replies, "actually I've never been there but my sister goes every noon."
Two businessmen were talking about good places to have lunch.
One said, "Maxie's is a wonderful place for lunch. You go in for lunch and everyone says 'hello', immediately a delicious sandwich and a cold beer are set up on the bar for you.
That's followed by several more cold beers and it's all 'on the house'. They have music and you get to dance a bit and then you go into a back room and have wonderful sex. When it's time for you to leave, the bartender gives you a twenty dollar bill and invites you to come back anytime."
The other man says, "You've got to be kidding. I find that really hard to believe. Do you go there often?"
"No," his friend replies, "actually I've never been there but my sister goes every noon."
Friday, July 27, 2007
new joke
Anniversary
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.
But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.
But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
New jokes
A man was sent to prison for 20 years. He was so bored while in there; he found an ant and decided to teach it tricks - like beg, play dead, roll over, jump hair etc. He served his time and was released. He took his ant with him in a matchbox. The first place he went was to a bar. He sat down, took out the matchbox and emptied out the ant. He then said to the guy beside him, "you are not gonna believe what this ant can do". He showed him all the tricks and the guy was impressed. He told him that he could make a fortune with the ant. The guy with the ant was excited and called the bartender over and said "you see that ant?" The bartender put his finger on the ant, twisted it and said "sorry sir it won't happen again."
“I don’t want a car,” said the farmer to the persistent salesman. “I need a new cow.”“But you can’t ride a cow along the streets.”“True. But I can’t milk a new car, can I?”
“I don’t want a car,” said the farmer to the persistent salesman. “I need a new cow.”“But you can’t ride a cow along the streets.”“True. But I can’t milk a new car, can I?”
New Jokes
"I am not at all satisfied with the evidence against you,"said the magistrate to the prisoner on trial,"so I shall find you not guilty. You are discharged." " Oh, good," said the prisoner, " does that mean that I can keep the money?"
Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before?Passenger: No, I have not.Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping.Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help?Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears.
Three medical students were discussing what specialties they were planning to go into when they finished school.One said, "I want to be a brain surgeon. That's the frontier, the cutting edge of medicine, where so many discoveries are being made."The second said, "I want to be a heart surgeon. There are so many people who need that kind of help; look at all the good I could do."The third said he wanted to be a dermatologist. When the others had finished laughing, they asked him why on earth he wanted to be a skin doctor."Listen," he replied. "Your patients never die, they never get well, and they never get you up at night."
Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before?Passenger: No, I have not.Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping.Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help?Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears.
Three medical students were discussing what specialties they were planning to go into when they finished school.One said, "I want to be a brain surgeon. That's the frontier, the cutting edge of medicine, where so many discoveries are being made."The second said, "I want to be a heart surgeon. There are so many people who need that kind of help; look at all the good I could do."The third said he wanted to be a dermatologist. When the others had finished laughing, they asked him why on earth he wanted to be a skin doctor."Listen," he replied. "Your patients never die, they never get well, and they never get you up at night."
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